I'll tell as briefly as I can
about a woman and man
and what befell them, if i may
I heard about it in Douai
I do not know his or her name
but I can affirm all the same
what fine, upstanding folk they were
The good man had to leave one day
and go on business far away
and thus for three full months he stayed
in foreign parts engaged in trade
and he was so successful there
that he returned walking on air
to Douai on a Thursday evening
Don't think that his wife felt like grieving
to have her husband back again
the fuss she made over him then
gave proof of her wifely devotion
and of the strength of her emotion
When she had hugged, kissed and embraced
him, so he could relax, she placed
a low-slung, comfortable chair
near her and then went to prepare
their meal. All in good time they ate
seated on cusions by the grate
where a fire crackled warm and bright
without smoke but with lots of light
They'd fish and meat, good, hearty fare
and wine from Soissons and Auxerre
white linen, and fresh, healthful meat
It pleased his wife to watch him eat
she saw that he gota ll the fine
choice morsels, and, with each bite, wine
Eager to please her man, the lady
was more than willing, more than ready
to satisfy his every whim
expecting in return from him
the welcome for whch she was aching
but it turned out she was mistaken
in playing him with all that drink
for wine made his libido shrink
and afterwards, when the man got in
their bed, that pleasure was forgotten
Not by his wife: it filled her head
when she climbed next to him in bed
nor would he have needed to ask
for she was ready for the task
He, though, had no thought for his spouse
who would have liked them to carouse
and stay awake for a while still
Don't think the lady just sits still
while her husband sleeps like a stone
"Ha!" she protests, "he sure has shown
himself a stinking, oafish creep!
He should be up, but he's asleep!
My happy hopes have turned to pain
Three months have passed since we have lain
together, and yet, sure enough,
the Devil's made the man doze off
Well, he can take him, if he will!"
She lies there quietly and still
what's on her mind remains unspoken
She doesn't wake him up or poke him
though in her mind she's sorely vexes
lest he should think she's oversexed
This reason makes her disregard her
thoughts about love-making and ardor
which she has entertained tonight
She turns in, feeling wrath and spite.
She dreamt a dream while she was lying
there fast asleep - don't think I'm lying! -
that she was at a yearly fair
the like of which you have to hear
for every stall and shop display
there, every house and place to stay
every exchange and table was
not selling bolts of cloth or furs
or linen, wool or silks of price
it seemed to her, or dyes, or spice
or goods, or pharmaceuticals
just penises and testicles
in wild profusion, for the sellers
had filled their houses, rooms and cellars
with the commodity and porters
came toting them across the borders
upon their backs, while down the road
they rolled in by the wagonload
Despite the massive inventory
the merchants had no need to worry
of not exhausting their supplies
The thirty-shilling merchandise
was awesome, good ones cost a pound
and for the poor folk could be found
some smaller ones which you could get
for a mere ten or nine or eight
They sold in gross and in detail
The best and biggest ones for sale
were closely watched and very dear
The wife went looking everywhere
and put much effort in her quest
till at one stall she came to rest
on seeing one so long and wide, it
just had to be hers, she decided
The shaft was large and well-endowed
with a big head, cocky and proud
and, if you want to hear the whole
truth, you could toss into the hole
with ease a round, ripe cherry, and it
would go on falling till it landed
down in the scrotum, which was made
like the shovel-end of a spade
No man has ever seen its like
The wife decided she would strike
a bargain, and she asked how much
"If you were my own sister, such
as this would cost two marks of silver
This penis is no scrawny sliver
but of the finest Loheringian
stock, both testicles and engine
a worthy wand for a magician
You would do well to take possession
of it. Do come give it a feel"
"Friend, why should we drag out this deal?
I'll buy it from you, if you're willing
to part with it for fifty shillings
You won't get so much for it any-
where, and I'll throw in a penny
for God, that it may bring me bliss"
"A giveaway, thats what it is
but I'm won over, and so suit your-
self, and I hope in the future
you'll try it out and praise the vendor
I think from now on you'll remember
me when you pray or sing a psalm"
The woman lifted her palm
to give him high five, well-disposed
on account of the deal she'd closed
...and it hits her husband in the jaw
with so much force, she feels her sore
hand turn bright red, tingle, and burn
and one can easily discern
the finger marks from chin to ear
and he wakes up in startled fear
and sits bolt upright upon waking
and his wife also wakens, shaking
who'd sooner sleep on till tomorrow
since now her joy has turned to sorrow.
(She has no way to go on keeping
the joy she bought herself while sleeping
so she'd prefer to stay asleep
"Wife" the man says "pray do not keep
from me the dream that made you go
just now and strike me such a blow
Were you asleep then or awake?"
"Don't say such things, for goodness sake"
she tells him, "sir. Hit you? Who, me?"
"In affection and harmony,
by the strength of your marriage vow
what were you thinking of just now?
Don't keep it back for any cause"
I'll have you know, without a pause
the womand launched into her tale
like it or not, and didn't fail
to lay all of the details bare
of her dream of the penis fair
how some were good and some were bad
and she bought the largest they had
by far more impressive than any
for fifty shillings and a penny
"Sir" she explains "here's what occurred
To close the deal, I gave my word
and went to slap hands with good grace
hitting you squarely in the face
For God's sake, dearest husband, keep
your temper, for as I admit
my error and sincere regret
I beg your pardon for the blow"
"In faith, sweet wife" he says "you know
I pardon you, and so should God!"
He embraces her and hugs her hard
and kisses her sweet mouth as well
and his penis begins to swell
for she charms him and turns him on
He lays his penis in her palm
as soon as it was somewhat ready
and asks "By your love for me lady
as God may keep you free from sin
at that fai, what would it bring in
the one you're holding on to now?"
"As I hope to survive, I vow
that someone selling a full coffer
of them would find no one who'd offer
a speck of money for the lot
Why, even those the paupers bought
were such that one of them with ease
would equal at least two of these
the way it is now. Look here, sire,
there it would never find a buyer
who'd ask to see the thing up close"
"So what?" he says "Thats how it goes
Take this one-the others don't matter!-
until you think you can do better"
(And so she did, if I am right)
Together they thus passed the night
but I think his judgement unsound
for the next day he spread it 'round
till a rhymer of fabliaux
Jean Bodel, also came to know
of it, and for its merit he
put it in his anthology
neither embellished nor extended
which means the lady's dream has ended.
